Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
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