he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Randomize
