I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
