You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
you traded sex for a burrito?
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Randomize
