What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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