You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
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