you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Randomize
