Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Randomize
