And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize