Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Randomize
