The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
You may now shotgun with the bride
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
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