I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Randomize
