His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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