I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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