Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
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