I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
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