I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
Randomize