I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
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