Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Randomize
