I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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