I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
operation have a gay friend backfired
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
