fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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