Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
Randomize
