High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
