just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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