I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
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