New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
i dont even know how to be here
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
Randomize
