She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
