I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
Randomize