I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
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