That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
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