The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize
