I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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