ya dads aren't the best wingmen
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
Sorry about my life...
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Randomize
