shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
