I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Randomize
