so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
