I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
Randomize