So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
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