were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Randomize
