people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
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