two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
