Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
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