I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Randomize
