You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
