My Higher Power is John Stamos
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Randomize
