What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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