The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
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