they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
