Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
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