I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Randomize
