I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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