So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
