woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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