I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize