When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Randomize
