the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Randomize