so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
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