I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
