Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
Randomize
