You don't have asthma, your pregnant
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Randomize
