You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
