I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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