ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Randomize
