I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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